Wild Ponies Make Annual Swim in Dense Fog

Didn't even read the article. That's just the best headline ever.

Wait! No it's not!

Kenya Man Holds Torch for Chelsea Clinton

It gets better: "A Kenyan city councilman says he offered Bill Clinton 40 goats and 20 cows for his daughter's hand in marriage five years ago. He's still awaiting an answer." Sir, have you seen Chelsea Clinton? You overbid.

I can pretty much guarantee that The Secretary of Spousal Affairs is going to take credit for this.

There is much delicious music news to gobble up today. First, Billy Corgan is aspiring to Morrissey-grade self-absorption, but with Billy Corgan-grade talent. A bad idea. Number of people who attend Billy Corgan concerts in the hopes of hearing nothing but Billy Corgan solo material? One. Number of those people not named "Billy Corgan"? Zero. Gee, If you say "Billy Corgan" enough times, it starts to lose all meaning.

This article about The Killers' aspirations to total pastiche is nothing groundbreaking, but check out the snide little caption. They're such bitches over at NME.

The good news: Wu-Tang Clan is starting a massive collabo with the shining lights of underground hip-hop. The sad news: Bauhaus is thinking about making a new album. In a related tidbit, cosmetics stocks are soaring on Wall Street.

Finally, some real, honest-to-goodness news... The IRA has announced that they are ending their 36-year armed campaign. According to a lengthy statement, "All IRA units have been ordered to dump arms. All volunteers have been instructed to assist the development of purely political and democratic programmes through exclusively peaceful means." Can you say awesome? Tonight I shall celebrate this milestone in the time-honored tradition of my Irish forefathers: I'm having a warm glass of milk and going to bed at a reasonable hour.

Or perhaps I shall become piss drunk and fall down repeatedly.

New Frontiers in Safe Sex: Squirrels in Hats

This is exactly the kind of misinformation that allows the AIDS pandemic to maintain a foothold. You are supposed to use a condom on the man's penis. It is not an adorable hat for squirrels. If the people in Korea, an advanced, industrialized nation, think condoms are latex rodent bonnets, what hope is there for poorer nations with virtually no infrastructure and safe-sex education? This gallery of Korean condom packaging is a chilling example of advertedutcationtainment irresponsibility. [Link via BoingBoing]

I think I'd like to be more... distinguished looking. Maybe something in a George Clooney.

Definitive proof that Osama Bin-Laden's next target is Williamsburg!

You'll be surprised to learn that Courtney Love is still a vindictive, psycho drama queen from hell. Apparently rock-n-roll supervillain Dave Grohl has been stealing money (not to mention lollipops and pinches of magic fairy dust) from the adorable Frances Bean Cobain. Stereogum has photographic proof of Grohl's true demonic incarnation.

Big Star is recording their first album in 27 years. The album is tentatively titled Hipster Replacement Surgery.

You thought the Transformers movie was cashing in on the I-Love-the-Insert-Decade-Here nostalgia craze? That ain't shit. Guess who's coming to a theater near you...



Yep, they're making a Voltron movie. Next up? Live-action versions of Pound Puppies, My Little Pony, M.A.S.K., Thundarr the Barbarian, Care Bears, and Fraggle Rock. Also, Russell Crowe has signed on to play Duke in G.I. Joe: The Movie.

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

During my recent trip to Atlanta, I ate this:



Only about 358 days left until I get to eat these ribs again. It's going to be a long year.

There was also lots of hot-tubbing and swimming. Luckily, nothing like this happened:



(Needless to say, she didn't win the gold.)

Another Brick in the Google Wall

Now, when I look up my own name on Google, not all the results will be related to things I've purchased on Amazon.com. (Yes, I am consciously avoiding the verb form of "google"... One should never, under any circumstances, "google" anything, as it sounds fucking ridiculous.) This is because I got a list published on McSweeney's. One thing about said list is clear: it's not as funny as any of the other lists. For this reason, further lists will not be submitted. It's like being the fattest girl at the party.

Anyway, neat.

Let the "Beam Me Up" Jokes Commence

One of television's great ethnic stereotypes was lost today with the passing of James "Scotty" Doohan, the closeted Canadian best known for his borderline-offensive portrayal of affable Chief Engineer Montgomery Scott of the USS Enterprise. For a show that has been almost slavishly lauded for its progressive vision of a harmoniously multi-ethnic future (Nichelle "Uhura" Nichols was famously persuaded by Martin Luther King to remain on the show because she represented such a positive Black role model), Star Trek seems to have dodged a lot of heat for Doohan's take on the goofy, scotch-loving, Aberdeen-born Scotty. I mean, Uhura never pines for watermelon, Chekov steers clear of the vodka... hell, Sulu is allowed to drive. But the Scotsman? Well of course he's a fucking drunk. 500 years in the future and the highlanders are still piss-heads. Yeah, that's a really forward-thinking characterization.

(Just in case you think the preceding paragraph contains any actual indignation, it does not. I think all Scottish people are drunks.) Anyway, although I am not what you could call a Trekkie, I am very fond of the original series and I always liked Mr. Scott. (If were picking favorites, I'm a Dr. McCoy fan... that dude was completely insane and drunk.) So farewell, James Doohan. You leave behind quite a legacy: history's most well-known fake Scottish accent. "tachDaq magham!” (That's Klingon for "We will meet in the cocktail lounge"... I swear to god I'm not making that up.)

Speaking of stereotypes... The policeman from the Village People got arrested. I bet Alanis Morissette puts that one in "Isn't It Ironic 2006."

I Can See the Music!

British officials have outlawed magic mushrooms.

Uh... was anyone else surprised to find out that they were legal?? Because that could have led to substantive activity changes during my last visit to England. Not that I'm complaining. I mean, the crack and heroin were great. I'm just saying, is all.

**UPDATE** Something else that's surprisingly legal... and thoroughly disturbing.

Recycled Music Bullshit Express

There's much "notable" music news today, but these are perhaps the notable-est.

The Pixies have confirmed that they are heading into the studio to record a new album. This reminds me of a joke:

What's the definition of "mixed emotions?"
When your mother-in-law drives off a cliff in your new Mercedes.

This is good news because the Pixies are a very good and important band, etc., etc. This is bad news because the two new songs they've released since reuniting are, at best, uninteresting. Okay, they are shit. Let us join hands and pray that they write some good stuff and they get Steve Albini to produce.

Today is the ten-year anniversary of the .mp3 file. Another case of mixed feelings. (Rant alert!) On the one hand, music portability is ultra-convenient, and the democratization of music access is a great thing... in theory. Look, it's great for bands that want to increase their profile without spending a lot of money and it's really great for people who genuinely like music but were always too lazy to actually go out and find new music. But you know what? Fuck those fucking people! For those of us who have always crawled around in the arcane and esoteric annals of music, buying 7"s, lying about being journalists to get free promos, reading pretentious Limey magazines, and actually listening to college radio, it fucking blows that every frat-boy Pavement fan on Earth suddenly has access to the same stuff with about 1% of the effort and love required. Is this an infantile, "my toy" response? Sure. You bet it is. Call me rock snob. Call me geek. But I am those things because I've always believed that great music is worth putting up with snotty record-store clerks, annoying promoters, wasted money, etc. I just wish MP3s (and the Internets in general) didn't reward people who never put in the effort before.

That said, it's great to have all this music at one's fingertips, and lots of people discovering great bands every day is a very, very good thing. And let's face it, iPods are a godsend. So happy birthday, .mp3 file! [scoop coutesy of Stereogum]

Finally, and this is not related to anything, but does anyone else think Xiu Xiu is just the crappiest "band" on the planet? Like, even worse than Wilco?

Cooter Sez: Just Say "No" to... um... Cooter

Them Duke boys are apparently all naughty now. At least, that's what Ben "Cooter" Jones is claiming. He's urging fans of the original show to boycott the upcoming Dukes of Hazzard movie due to its lewd content. In case Jessica Simpson basically using her own cooter (small "c") to wash the General Lee in the "These Boots Were Made for Walking" video wasn't a big tip-off, it seems the script is one long stream of sexual innuendo (and, perhaps, innuoutdo). Best quote: "To take a classic family show and do that is like taking I Love Lucy and making her a crackhead or something." I would pay to see that movie, too.

I couldn't get the site to work (probably having pretty serious bandwidth issues right now), but word is you can read Cooter's open letter at his Web site, cootersplace.com. (How many porn site owners would kill for that URL??)

A Picture Is Worth a Thousand Words

That picture is totally, like, a metaphor, or something. Like, it really says how I feel, you know?
[Thanks to Legal Counsel for the pic]

Maybe this will make you feel as lousy as I feel:

They're making a sequel to Road House. And Patrick Swayze isn't even in it.

Is Ugly the New Pretty? No. It Isn't.

In addition to her stunning work as the least talented, most undeserving, most plain-old annoying "actress" of her (any?) generation, Helen "Rhymes With" Hunt is now vying for the title of Ugliest Person Ever. Kyra Sedgwick, consider the gauntlet thrown:


[Image pilfered from Go Fug Yourself]

Not to belabor a far more high-profile case of precipitous decline, but what did happen to the deliciously underaged sexpot redhead who warmed the loins of every stoned college freshman who rented Mean Girls? Join the search and do your part to repatriate Lindsay Lohan's curves. It's far too late for Helen Hunt. She was never salvageable anyway. But Lindsay needs our help. There is still good in her. I can sense the conflict within her.

SATURDAY, JULY 9 >> PARTY TIME!!!

Please join us for the second installment of the new, improved Saturday-night Low-Life party. The Secret Squares will be spinning the usual set of good-beat-and-I-can-bug-out-to-it rock, and special guest J-Lu will be spinning... well, admittedly I have no idea what he has planned. I can tell you that it probably won't be Swedish Black Metal.

The good news is that I have some great new tracks to play. The bad news is that just this morning Tye wrote the following: "I have recently decided that I no longer hate the Killers." Which says to me that he might intend to play the Killers. You should still come by. At the very least, you will be entering the safety of a Coldplay-free zone. Besides, there's no cover and drinks are cheap. Here's the pretty flyer (courtesy of Brian The Designer):

"I'm Dancing Cosby. I'm Going to Poop and Pee in My Pants."

Wow.

Channel 101 does it again. Watch House of Cosbys immediately!

When I go, I want the same treatment, but with porn and A-Team reruns.

Warning: Post-Vacation Profanity (and Criminally Inessential Blog Post)

Vacation has ended. Work has resumed. All is lost.

Needless to say, I am trying to crawl out from beneath hundreds of e-mails. There is much inesssential day-job work to do. This will prevent a vacation play-by-play. Besides, like other people's dreams, other people's vacation recaps are guaranteed comedy killers. Suffice it to say, I prefer vacation to work.

I can share one Fourth O' July reflection with you:

Patriotic music has little to no positive effect on the overall fireworks experience. Beer and marijuana, however, greatly enhance the overall fireworks experience. File that away for next year, won't you?

Anyway, here's the post-vacation profanity...

Comedian Doug Benson came up with a surefire pick-up line:

"Excuse me miss, my dick just died, would you mind if i buried it in your ass?"

That I find this hilarious will give some indication as to my current state of mind.